Saturday, January 29, 2011

Fueled by anger

There are certain things that I can't think about, because if I do I'm a mess.  I work so hard to keep myself together, having break downs and crying all the time isn't an option I give myself.  So here's to taking a few steps backwards...

I hate that I wasn't there.  If I could change one thing (besides the obvious) I would have been there.  I would do anything to have been able to just hold Cody.  To tell him how proud I was and that it was ok. Tell him how proud Colten was of his daddy, and we'd make it.  I force myself to find comfort in knowing who was with him, that his hand was held, and he was with guys that loved him as much as anyone.

The weekend before Cody died, was awful.  I had the worst feeling.  I was on edge up until they knocked on my door that Tues. and after that it's all a blur.  There's a website that lists all the fatalities  that occur overseas, there were a good twelve empty spots listed for people that had died over the last few days., but the names can not be posted until the families have been notified.  I checked that site every five min. waiting to see that the slots had been filled. Because if all the slots were filled I knew  Cody was ok, and that I had worked myself up over nothing.  Well needless to say Cody was one of those names.  I gave Colten a bath that morning, knowing that I was playing with him while my husband was dying makes me hate myself.  I should of known the moment he was hit that something was wrong.  While I was dressing  and feeding Colten,  Cody was thousands of miles away fighting to live.  That thought makes me sick.

The other day, I was looking at Colten.  I realized that the closest I'll ever come to feeling Cody's touch is holding Colten.  The closest thing to being kissed by Cody are Colten's sweet little open mouth kisses.  It's  hard, but so comforting knowing that I get to hold the same sweet little boy that Cody held so tightly before he deployed.

I had to find some kind of outlet or the anger that has built up inside would eat me alive.  And how can I be the mother I should be and that Colten deserves with I'm pissed at the world?  I'm doing a run in September with the organization Remembering the Brave. It's being held in Colorado as far as I know.  I've never been more motivated to do anything in my life.  This run could be in Japan and I'd be there.  So I run, I run for Cody.  And the days that I feel lazy and I don't want to run , I think of what he went through and the motivation comes flooding  back.

I know without a doubt that running in his honor would make him proud.


  1. Ashleigh, Please don't hate yourself for not being there. You were right where Cody wanted you to be taking care of Colten. Cody is so proud of you of the way you take such good care of him as we all are. I think the running would give you a good outlet. If you want me to go running with you to practice (even though it's been a few years) or to watch Colten so you can I am there (Remember soon I will be 10 seconds away). Just know we all love and care about you. <3

  2. Don't be so hard on yourself. My father was KIA when I was 9 months old, my mom was one of the strongest women I ever knew. I know she struggled at times and I loved her even more for finding the strength to pull herself back together. Your son will know what an amazing father he had and the mother who's broken heart was mended in part because he was born.

  3. Wow. I just read this and feel so much for you. I won't say I know how you feel, because I don't. I just know that fear of waiting on the doorbell to ring, because I feel that all the time. Sometimes I want to stay away from the house just so I could put off the news forever if it were to come. You are an amazing woman and mother, and I KNOW Cody is proud of everything you are doing. Heal at YOUR pace. And don't hate yourself - you are just stressing yourself more and just think: how happy do you think Cody would have been to know that even though things everywhere else in the world were terrible, in that moment you and your son were laughing and smiling? That would make him happy!! Keep your chin up; people out here love you and are praying for you even when we have never met.

  4. Army widow to run Great Wall in China


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